To take or not to take

I had a wonderfully calm birthday on the 23rd. At first, I wondered if it would be quiet because the kids were planning something. However, I canceled the gathering when I started feeling ill.

I went out for breakfast in the morning, and later that afternoon, I had some long-awaited vegan food. The restaurant didn’t have my desired meal, so I got something else and returned for what I wanted on Friday.

I have been suffering from sciatic nerve pain for a while, and from what the Orthopedic doctor told me, there is not much he can do. Thank God I am not a candidate for surgery, but dang, gone can a sister get some relief.
My Ortho suggested a Radioactivefrequency ablation procedure. I am willing to try almost anything but I don’t want to worsen things. So I need to get as much information on this procedure as possible. The positive thing about having Radioactivefrequency ablation, he explained, is the result; not permanent, but longer.

As far as today goes, I woke up with less pain. I was able to exercise this morning. Exercise for me is critical having heart disease. My feeling better is due to my taking Prednisone. My rheumy doesn’t agree with this course of action, but I can’t stay in bed, bent over, and unable to walk correctly. It’s depressing! I have already begun weaning off the Prednisone and will deal with my actions’ consequences later.

Today, I am feeling better. However, I know crappy will come again, and if the pain gets too horrible, I know (Prednisone) what to do. In the meantime, I am going to enjoy today,

The Question

Yes, I know we are

All born to die.

I genuinely do know this,

With all that I have lost.

And this very fact is

The reason that I wish

I had no children,

No sisters,

No brothers,

No nieces,

No nephews,

No friends,

No one to grieve for,

No one to suffer for me.

There would be no pain!

But what is life then,

I ask,

Without pain,

Without someone

To grieve for,

Without someone

To weep for me?

Confused and Frustrated!

It has been a couple of weeks since I had my Colonoscopy, and I am glad things are okay. The intense pain I felt afterward is what bothered me most about my procedure. I’m no doctor, but I believe my sciatic nerve was aggravated during the procedure. I am not complaining; just stating the probability due to my terrible crazy pain.
I spent several days trying to recover; Tylenol PM was the only thing that helped. Honestly, I am unsure if the Tylenol PM worked or if it just made me sleepy, and I felt no pain.
A few weeks ago, I read that young people are getting Colorectal Cancer at an increased rate, and they (the doctors and scientists) are unsure of the causes.
I have five children, three of them are in their forties. My constant rantings are about them getting a Colonoscopy. Their father died from Colorectal cancer several years ago, and I believe the three of them should at least get screened sooner than later.
However, the three have disregarded my rantings, and I am trying to figure out what to do. How can I get the three of them to understand how vital getting screened is?!

Confused and very frustrated

Noways Tired

I was listening to James Cleveland (Gospel Singer) sing, a favorite of mine. ” I don’t feel noways tired, I come too far from where I started from. Nobody told me the road would be easy, but I don’t believe he brought me this far to leave me”. Amen!

Colorectal Cancer Awareness Month

March is Colorectal Cancer Awareness Month. Colorectal cancer is an abnormal growth in the colon or rectum that can turn into cancer. Colorectol cancer is recognized in March to inform folks how important it is to get screened. (I got this information from the internet)

I didn’t know March was Colorectal Cancer Awareness Month until I was in the recovery room from my Colonoscopy today. The nurse handed me my discharge instructions, and gave me a blue bracelet that said “Colon Cancer Awareness Month” and a blue ribbon.

The thing that I disike about having a Colonoscopy is the prepping. I had to prep eight days before the procedure with Miralax. I then had to stop taking my Brilinta (Heart Med) five days earlier—yesterday, I had to take extra Miralax and Ducolax. I was running back and forth to the bathroom. A couple of times, coming out of the bathroom, I had to turn around and go back in. I was pooping so bad that my daughter had to purchased me some disposable underwear.

Even though today was not my first Colonoscopy, the effects of prepping is always crazy! My bottom was sore, and on top of that, I was hurting from my sciatic nerve. However, once I was on my way to have the procedure I was fine.

When I woke up, from the procedure, the doctor informed me that he removed two polyps. And even though the results from the polyps will return in a couple of weeks, my doctor said I was okay.

With all the aggravation of prepping, I can assure you, God willing, I will have my next Colonoscopy in seven years. I’ve seen a couple of people die from Colon cancer. And I don’t want that to happen to me or any of my loved ones. So I will help spread the word not only in March that getting a Colonoscopy is one of the smartest things a person can do.


I should have paid more attention to You drifting.

When I woke up one day,  

You were violently ASSAULTING ME!

What the HELL?!


There were various things I tried to stop the ASSAULTS.

Because it was clear You had turned against ME!


What did I do to warrant such ABUSE?!

I thought You were really into ME?!

Please tell ME what I must do to STOP 


I will do anything; I need You to help me!

I feel EVIL coming! 

This Pain is Unbelievable!

I don’t want us to be like this anymore!  

I can barely get up!

I have become PATHETIC!

Please tell me what I must do to stop the Intrusiveness.

Why won’t you ANSWER ME?


Everything I have tried doesn’t work!

I don’t know how much longer I can go on!

I don’t know how to defend myself against these ATTACKS!



The big dirty yellow bus

Even though life was sometimes challenging, my life wasn’t any

different from some of the other kids I went to school with.

Some of them lost their mommas, just like I did.

Some were forced to live with relatives they didn’t know,

just like my sisters and me. Some of them got sexually

molested by uncles, cousins, or overly friendly neighbors, just like me.
So while I kept my secrets on that big dirty yellow bus back

and forth to middle school, some of the other kids on that same

big dirty yellow bus hid their secrets from the other kids on

that same big dirty yellow bus, just like me.

14-Day Challenge

I decided to take the Metamucil challenge when I read about it in my email. Even though I had an unused container of Metamucil in my cabinet, I was curious if the challenge would help me.
What interested me was the claim that Metamucil gets rid of what’s weighing you down, so you can feel lighter. I was all about feeling lighter. As stated in a previous blog(Bloated), I have constipation issues. The lack of fiber and my unhealthy diet are the reasons for my constipation; I need to handle that.
I began the challenge by drinking Metamucil once a day. And almost immediately, it began to work. What a relief!
However, I slacked off after a few days of not feeling bloated. My old habits reemerged, and I soon needed help moving my bowels. So I started retaking Metamucil twice a day and of course it worked very well.
Even though I finished the 14-day challenge, I will continue with all the benefits of Metamucil; (which helps with constipation and lowers cholesterol and blood sugar) to take it daily.

Who me Suicide?!

I was nineteen when I sliced my wrist in the bathroom of my apartment. I am not sure if I was trying to commit Suicide; I only remember being in so much pain I didn’t know what else to do.
I never told anyone I believed that after giving birth to my son; my life was so unpleasant the thought of killing myself had entered my mind.
Those moments should have been happy; I was a new mother with a beautiful baby boy.
Why wasn’t I happy?!
I can’t recollect verbatim the moment I decided to harm myself.
And I can’t remember the incident that resulted in me wanting to.
Why did I want to hurt myself?!
While thinking about that day many years ago, there could have been several reasons why I thought about ending things. I could have had postpartum depression, maybe I didn’t understand my living situation, or I could have still suffered because my mother and biological father weren’t in my life. My mother by death and my father by choice, or I could have been distraught because of my situation with my son’s father, or it could have been all of the above.
What was it? What was the deciding factor that caused me to want to take my life?!
When I walked out of the bathroom that day, I was desperate as blood dripped from the tissues I held to my arm to hold my son. And that’s what I did; I picked him up from his cradle and had him close for several hours.
I never tried to hurt myself again, but the thoughts lingered inside me for years. It’s funny, strange, how my son’s father threatened my life in that same bathroom a few weeks later.
I wrote this story because I needed to share it.
No Judgements, please.
*I pray if someone is contemplating Suicide, they call the Suicide Hot Line 988. Emergency Number 911
Please don’t suffer alone!