Two thousand and twenty
Several days after I had a talk with myself about my relationship with my father, my sister called to say that our dad was in the hospital. He was having some heart issues. Thank God he had one of those medical alert bracelets because that is what he used to call for help.
When my daughter and I took him home two days later, I was hesitant about leaving him. I was concerned he would become ill again. Nevertheless, I helped him in his apartment, kissed him goodbye, and left.

Worrying about my father was unusual because I’d never felt uncertain about him. He had always been very independent and basically could care for himself. He had some assistance with his everyday chores and activities but was good on his own. However, as I watched him walk through his apartment that day, I realized he was much older than I wanted him to be and less sharp. I recall saying, “Doreen, you got to do better”!
I didn’t see him the following day; I called him, and he said he was feeling better. It was a quick telephone conversation, as most of them were. His home health aide was fixing him breakfast and helping him prepare for his day. So I said goodbye; I told him I’d see him soon and quickly got off the phone.

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In my senior year of high school, I spent much time in my guidance counselor’s office. He was an easy person to talk to. A lot of students hung out in his office.
I would sit in his office and talk to him about my kooky life. During one of our conversations, I mentioned how I didn’t know who my birth father was. I ran down the entire story as I knew it. When I revealed my dad’s name, my guidance counselor said he and my father grew up in the same neighborhood.
I was summoned to my guidance counselor’s office a few days after the talk about my dad. I assumed he wanted to give me information on various scholarships and/or grants for college. However, he called me to his office to introduce me to my birth father. Crazy, right?!
I was like, Wow, my guidance counselor located my father for me. I met one of my brothers that day as well. How cool was that?! Not only was that a good day but an excellent one!
As glad as I was to meet my father, I didn’t know how to converse with him. It had been 18 years! I remember standing in my guidance counselor’s office awkwardly, smiling. Did I look like him? I wondered. Where the hell had he been was something else, I wondered. There were so many questions I wanted to ask him, especially about my mother. But, as anxious as I was for those answers, I decided it was best to enjoy those moments with my father and brother.

As my father and I said our goodbyes in the hallway by the guidance department, we promised to see each other soon. I can’t recall when the two of us got together. I remember pursuing him for a relationship that only developed much later.
My relationship with my father didn’t happen like I had hoped because I resented him for not being in my life. I thought things for me would have been different had he been in my life. It was difficult to release my anger, but I eventually did and genuinely grew to love my father. I didn’t think I would lose my father until he was much older. I counted on his longevity since my paternal grandmother lived to 100.

I would call my dad on the Sunday before his death if I could return to that day, but I can’t. I remember him being in my thoughts, but I put it off, thinking I would call him the next day. The next day never came. I put the phone call to my father off like I did with most things.
Even though Doreen “You got to do better” still rings true for me. I still haven’t learned to stop putting things off, and unfortunately, I’ll probably continue to put it off. Hmm…..
Doreen, “You got to do better”!